IF:

Okay, I admit it, I'd love to give the snarky answer here. I was so tempted to just put "no" and leave, like the entire page blank, ya know? How pedantic would that be?

But the fact of the matter, I've been railed again from some of my friends from all over the block for my constant critism of classics. I thought, for example, that Gone With the Wind and Dances with Wolves were voluminous hack-jobs that made, by far better movies. Anything made my John Grisham was convoluted and should also be punished--yep--by being made into sub-par films for 4 star actors to finish up their studio contracts...

I also felt that many classic books SHOULD be held to the light, repeatedly, to help persuade us and remind us why, in the first place, did we see them as "classics." I look to specific fame there. I mean, The Adventures of Huck Finn? Every time I've looked between the covers on that one, I'm always impressed...the book does stand tall and resistant to critics. The Catcher in the Rye is another one. If I were to set my sights closer? Harry Potter's format and fame AS A BOOK are, by far, better then the editing and chop jobs Hollywood gives.

So, what is left for me to piss all over as if I'm better then the author? To do that, I have to find some redeeming book and, because the majority is so good, only the ending should change. I got one that pops up.

I am one of the few who really, really liked the prose of Moby Dick. It was the beginning of the adventure tale. And frankly, having Ahab go down with the beast is a damn good ending to two terrifically fully drawn characters. And Ahab would not have lived a sequel. But what if the book WAS the sequel?

Follow my drift here. What if we were led, as an audience, through this tale, believing this vile man died within the sea he so proportedly loved. Then have him rise and limp away from the table nearby as this story is regaled by the survivors of the epic battle? I get goosebumps. And people would question...is it a ghost of the man? Did he survive?

I also loved LOVED Treasure Island. But the ending is so anticlimatic. An adventure tale where the adventure was removed. I really liked the way they ended in the Disney Treasure Planet. There, with the excitement of the plunder being destroyed and the entire planet combusting, we have to race out and Jim FINALLY gets to be the hero he harbored so long. There, you have the rewrite done for me!

Lastly, The Haunting of Hill House. Good old Shirley Jackson. She kept me glued to those pages with mere creaks, hisses and heavy breathing. I was riveted at the rival of old fashioned ghosty-goodness. I wanted a climax to match; and she wound up that screw so tight, she painted herself into a corner by....merely having the protagonist go insane. It was like, like she, herself couldn't paint herself out of that corner and, instead, misdirected us. I was like, wha?

I was expecting spirits galore, a la, Raiders of the Lost Ark's final moments and the entire group running out and stuff. But no. She just went insane.

Boring.

So those are the three that come to mind. Now it's your turn. Go read and develop.

Peace.


If you could change the ending of any book, what would you change and why?