Movie Review: Underworld

I blame Shakespeare, I really do. I mean, you make a damn good story like Romeo and Juliet, die, wait a few gazillion years and poof...Hollywood beats the living shit out of it.

Why couldn't old Will have written stuff that when people copied it, it would still be good.

It's because Will wrote some amazing shit and you can't just photocopy a Picasso, right?

Case in point, Underworld. I guess it sounded pretty cool, right? Werewolves and Vampires, but two fall in love. So their love is doomed forever, for they are immortal and since they'll friggin live forever, issues will probably never get resolved. Can you see the arguments in the kitchen, "honey, remember last millenium when you had your little Lycanthrope buddies over for the dog show and they got so drunk they pissed on the couch leg?"

"Dear, do you have to bring that up again, I mean, shoot, that's like the 5, 488, 237th time you've mentioned it."

So it goes.

This movie made it feel like an eternity by the time it ended. You see, with monsters in legend, myth and horror, there are rules. Rules on how they live, how they die, what they can or cannot due. That's the coolness of monsters...it gives them boundaries wherein a story may lie. Vampires can't be photographed or have a reflection (except in this movie--they do both), werewolves change on a full moon until they have fed. These rules give them limitations. You can change them, but it makes good copy to LET THE AUDIENCE KNOW, so they can adjust their pradigm accordingly.

This movie doesn't do that.

Then there's this issue with costuming. I'm guessing the Matrix look must be very vogue, for not only does this movie copy their HongKong "bullet" time fighting style, it even copied their clothing. To the last overcoat. I swear, people must be freezing in London, with nothing left to wear. The problem is, um, EVERYONE LOOKS THE SAME! I couldn't tell one villian from one good guy in the next.

As a matter of fact, I couldn't tell one villian at all. I had no idea who we were supposed to be routing for.

And that Romeo and Juliet story, we've heard it so many times. Rome-0 and Julie-8 where they were robots. West Story where white people played Latino. The list goes on and on. If you are going to do it again, add some, I don't know...umph. Have some action. Maybe some gunplay. Not just enough for the previews either.

Where was the romance, as well. They met one night, she saved his life. It would be nice if they looked at each other's eyes at some point. I think they only time they embrace is when she's sucking the life out of him.

But then again, isn't that always the case?