Movie Review: Clash of the Titans

When is a classic a classic?


I came to this question when I watched “Clash of the Titans,” last week. See, for two hours, I had a bit of free time to really kinda ponder this query—given the fact that my brain was empty as much as this flick was. I saw it with a group a friends, should you wonder why I would subject myself to this show. I also wanted to see this from the perspective of a teacher. Nothing beats the classics, as it were, for teaching fiction.

And I’m still looking for a good example.

See, in 1979, I saw this now-classic picture with good friends of the family. Our world was recently turned upside down with that little upstart of a movie called “Star Wars,” making our expectations totally be rewritten when it came to special effects. But the original “Clash” held true. Yes, it was pretty obvious where the stop-motion special effects blared across the screen, but it proved something back then—

--when the story is well written, you can handle bad special effects because you honestly want to see what happens.

You know, a ‘classic.’ Older movies that really stand the test of time due to great writing and decent acting.

I’m starting to wonder if Hollywood really hates us when this is what they choose to remake. Why mess with success like this original’s title?

See, I’m fine with remakes. It brings us back to original while improving any flaws (if there were any) of the first go-around. They also expose youth to titles they never thought they’d like. I think of the remake of “Psycho” and was impressed with how many teens were in the audience. That’s a good thing. You know they were going to be talking about it over java at the Starbuck’s afterwards.

This isn’t that kind of remake.

Hollywood hates us, and this is the perfect example. Why write something original? Just hack up the starter materials. This movie completely revamps the original storyline. In the first go-around, Harry Hamelin’s Persesus is not an ace fighter. He looks rough-hewn. The gods bicker and look like they are having fun with toying with humanity. Now, we have Sam Worthington looking pretty with zero tan even though he lived for most of his life on a boat. His milky white skin reminded me of the ‘prettiest hooker’ played by Heather Graham back in “From Hell.” He’s so out of place, his placement in the movie starts looking like he was digitally edited into every scene.

But Hollywood doesn’t care for you or this movie. Sam’s the flavor right now, so let’s slapdash this movie together and spend more on special effects. They are grand, occupying most every minute of the movie—so the wonders of this Ancient Greece makes monsters as commonplace at hot dog stands in New York. Where’s the surprise, folks?

Further proof that with a decent story, we don’t really care. I could excuse much of this if I actually cared. Here we have Hades as the bad guy again; the Kraken moved to being his pet-project. Um, wasn’t that Poseidon’s pet?

Um, what?

The film flounders like this. You are given so much free time to let your brain wonder as I did, you realize how vacuous this picture really is. Characters appear without a name, disappear and then everything starts to seem like the director is sitting behind the camera mentioning, “bring me another latte, they’re releasing this in the spring. Besides, it’s not like they’re going to notice after the 3-D is done.”

Yeah, ANOTHER 3-D movie. Trust me, being a Disney buff, I love the wonderment those attractions offered at Disney World. But now those displays are obsolete—because now 3-D is as ubiquitous as political stupidity. It’s killing those cool Captain EO visits! And, well, the fact is, you can’t polish a turd. Again, Hollywood figures we’re stupid. They find all their bad movies and then add 3-D. They can charge us more with the 3-D stuff. Yet the movie is still bad. It’s even hurting any good movies like “Up” because we’re growing tired with the saturation of the market.

I’m waiting for a Mel Brooks’ parody, ala “Silent Movie” or “Blazing Saddles.” Something about a film director who is so lonely he wants to jump into everyone’s lap at the same time in every theatre. So he makes 100s of 3-D movies. There’s something in there.

Something creative and novel.

So, I guess what I’m saying is this—either see the original and enjoy it or save your money for the action films that are in the trailers before the movie. Unless you have a need to go to the movies. Then just buy popcorn and leave.