Disney, always looking for another way to sell their wares (these people can get the lint out of your pockets, so don't say you weren't warned-and don't worry, I drank the Kool-Aid too, every single fucking time), elected to rebrand their famed attractions at the turn of the century. Taking a page from their own rulebook from back in the 80's, where they found actors and actresses who weren't bringing in the contracts, casting them in quick movies under a new banner, Touchstone pictures, and sending them back out in the wild; elected to take their theme park intellectual properties and make motion pictures. Most were, well, bland. The Haunted Mansion, a popular attraction at every park, has amazing special effects that happen 'live' (for lack of a better term) before your very eyes; Hollywood movies have already done that, so they would have to rely on a story to keep such a film afloat.
It sank. Even with Eddie Murphy, it wasn't very funny. Was it for kids? Was it for adults? Who knows. Disney didn't. But they made it.
They also cobbled together a Country Bears tale which was amusing, but, again, it came off as a Chuck E. Cheese presentation without much creativity. Or country music.
The third creation? Based on one of the last creation from Mr. Disney himself? Pirates of the Caribbean. Here's something. They tried something totally new. They rode the ride out there in Anaheim a few gazillion times and it shows. They came out with a creative tale of cursed treasure, pirates that can't die but want to live again, a love story, cannon-fire, and huge set pieces that came to explosive entertainment on the screen that summer of 2003. The music soared. And a supporting character, played with delicious aplomb by Johnny Depp, stole the show while still chewing the scenery. As Captain Jack Sparrow, technically a minor character who pushes the protagonists into play, he threw his skill into the performance and it was truly incredible. You couldn't wait to see his humorous asides and when he was off screen, you wanted him to come back.
And Johnny did what all good looking and exceptional actors do. He tried to make himself as unloveable as possible. He was drunk, his dreads were visibly aromatic. Yet, his swagger, guy-liner, and demeanor was so saucily three-dimensional, the theater's houses were packed.
Obviously, so much fun could not be contained. The sequels followed.
They were abhorrent messes in plotting, moving Depp's character to the front, a convulsion of too many high paid performers trying to angle their way into a storyline, and were a mess.
But Depp brought us back. We lined up, bought tickets and the movies made Disney more money.
To the point where that fixed asset over at Disney World and Disneyland practically cried to have him shoehorned into the ride because the guests were wondering why he wasn't there. He never was. The movie was based off of the ride, not the other way around.
And Depp, it has been known, loves the character. He'll show up at schools and childrens' hospitals across the world. This, folks, is the glory of fame. To do for others in a way none of us can ever imagine. I have some friends who volunteer cosplay at many of these places and they say it's beauty personified. Depp is no slouch. He loves the character enough to do it again and again for the kiddoes.
So it came as no surprise he'd show up again in a fourth film a few years ago.
But understand, he's a minor character. He's so popular, however, they moved him to the front, as protagonist. It didn't gel, when you watch, regardless of the presence of Depp, Penelope Cruz, and Ian McShane as Blackbeard (with that wonderful purr of a villain's voice).
And tickets were sold.
Heck, even I went.
I am, apparently part of the problem. Unlike Spielberg, content to leave his wonderful ET without a sequel to flog the beast to death for a steady paycheck, Disney brushed off ole Jack Sparrow again for a fifth installment.
And, yes, I found myself going...again. Oy. What was I thinking?
There's a reason, beyond Disney's original Treasure Island all those moons ago, that the pirate as a character hasn't taken off as a genre. Here? In Florida? Sure, there's a crapton of Pirate Fair this and Pirate Week that. But, really, the stereotype of the eyepatched, peglegged vile vagabond is truly not been brought up again and again like superheroes or cowboys.
Disney, with this one title, has made an entire genre.
And then keeps making movies. I was thinking I like Sparrow, I like the way Depp plays Sparrow-but, eventually, soda pop does lose it's savory fizz.
It is the story. The last movie was the least complicated of the bunch. Find the Fountain of Youth (it's supposedly here in Florida, on a sidenote. There's a lot of old people down here continuously looking for it and are really crabby about it). Here? Will Turner's son is looking to free his father from the Curse of the Flying Dutchmen, a ghost ship he was imprisoned in during film three. A young lady, going to be executed for practicing science, is some how obsessed with stars and shipping that she gets pulled into Jack's strangely low orbit. A new sea worth villain played with amazing special effects (again) by Javier Bardem as a Spaniard who cannot die until he destroys all the pirates he can find. And, because Jack, like some kind of magical tanned sea sprite, has links to every-single-character. The story folds in on itself here, there, again, here, over there and, after a while, the audience becomes exhausted in trying to figure out motive or purpose. This causes the images to become just that, images. The meaning is lost, and we begin to not even care about anyone.
Not even hottie Johnny Depp, doing his best to not be hot in any kind of pirate way.
(There is Brenton Thwaites in the Henry Turner role, giving Depp a run of his money in the film good looks department-but here's the thing, he's doing the Anakin bit. Too much whining and soft voiced arguing. At least Depp has presence and experience)
The film is seriously flawed, and, even though the cast is trying as hard as they can, there's just no true inner pacing that keeps it roaring forward. Swashbuckling, it seems, has a shelf-life. Maybe, just maybe, Sparrow should keep to being awesome in his own way-making people feel awesome.
As for Depp, he is a massively underrated actor. His good looks do get in the way, and his own tastes in titles he picks are not always the most popular. That's awesome. I just can't help feeling he is just a few steps away from an Oscar. I don't know why it hasn't happened yet. He was incredible, even without the ability to sing, in Sweeney Todd. Hilarious in both Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Black Mass. I liked Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when the world didn't, and he was excellent. Did I say underrated? Maybe that's not the correct word. He's more of an artist than the popular masses can accept. Only Sparrow seems to be the one they accept him as. That's unfortunate.
Because it means there might be more of these complicated Pirate movies.
Folks, just go on the ride. It's much more linear.
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