I'm not a boss

I can't figure it out. I love my new job, I really do, but there is an aspect that is driving me zonkers.

I'm a boss.

Now, let's think about this, I teach children. One would think, with the supreme idiocy on the loose out there today, reining in adults would be a breeze. But the fact is, I have only read one management book: Mutiny on the Bounty. Beyond that, I've zero skills.

And I act more like their friend than their boss. I have the hardest time with that distance. I cannot do that. It is not the way I work. I see everyone as fully as I can. I've taken pride in that. It explains the success I have with my students, frequently. I know they are people with likes and dislikes and it would be silly for me to see them as cardboard cut-outs. Grant you, my government wants me to not care any more. That way, they can give their friends lucrative contracts, destory unions and earn more cash than everyone. And if they can disinfrancise use, sobeit.

Thanks Emperor Bush.

But I will continue to care, so help me.

it I do the same for my coworkers. I think of vets in war. No, not the kinds carrying kittens in trenches, but the kind wearing unflattering greens in the desert. They experience something unique between themselves and their units. How can they come back to reality and drop that.

I experience something unique with my coworkers. We all suffer the same amount of stressor in that classroom. How am I supposed to be above that? No. I can't tell them what to do. I ask. And I will continue to do so. But it's punishing really. I really, really like this job. I'd like to hold onto it, but this one thing is really weighing on my heart. I want those three people to be content enough to go to work. I need them to be. And I need to serve my students as well.

I hate it. I bring this up because my question for today was to think about a group project. Do I like to do them?

Fuck no. I've hated group projects and it only got worse. Teachers know about multiple intelligences. Yet they are seemingly the last to do use them. So I'm totally fucked in high school, undergrad and graduate school. I had to meet with others, usually off campus, to 'discuss.' We'd all decide to give each other A's. I hated it. Sure, I'd give ole lazy douchesnoozle an A, but I'd give myself a bad grade. I hated having to rate others who are more or less my supposed peers.

On the multiple intelligences, I was what was labeled 'self-smart.' Not people smart. Let them go get together. Let them party with their badass selves.

One wound i still have is one stupid project working for an 'ad' campaign. it was stupid from the start. It was all about money. How we could save money for college.

First off, when Mom and Dad are paying for a majority of students at the private school, do you think the froshlings care? whatever, the 'group' decided, and I was only one vote.

Moving on...I had to someone show enthusiasm for saving money on college, my last sememster of senior year. Thrillsville. But for the group I had to play along. I suppose this was training for real life. My group even asked if I'd do some articles for the school newspaper and for a local paper I wrote for. I did.

Then they got mad at me...because my articles were inaccurate. They had refused to proof what I wrote. But, boy, did they turn on me when I didn't do as they commanded.

I hate group projects.

And it's gotten worse over the years.

What's really bad? I realzied a chunk of that is borne out of my own social fears. Yea. I have them. And it has become more pronounced over the years. Perhaps it is from years of just seeing people pissing me off...and trying to really believe they are people. And getting more and more discouraged that, well, I cannot feel safe any more around adults I don't trust. I trust kids a bit more...they don't know any better.

That's two comments in one week. Good job.